As I sit here and think about the whirlwind of emotions that have occurred over the past 6 months it almost takes my breath away. I mean I prayed about a job I couldn’t stand, a job where I felt so dirty after working all day because I couldn’t find God in the building anywhere. I literally felt dirty of being around such sinful talk, walk and actions. It was a job that left me standing further back after 6 years than when I started and losing my passion for the one thing that excited me the most networking.
A door opened that I know was God answering a prayer, but I was so wrapped up in seeing how it was going to help me escape the current job that I missed the whole message behind Gods answered prayer. My son has struggled with ADHD and ODD since was about 4 years old. He could never sit still, comprehend the seriousness of any conversation or focus at any given moment. We had bounced around from doctor to psychologist to behavioral counselor. And NO ONE could figure out a good diagnosis, matched treatment or continued care. So as he suffered and became more and more frustrated within his own body, our family became frustrated as well in wanting to help him and being able to do nothing, but pray. We were literally at wits end on how to help our son succeed.
So along with praying for another job, I was also praying at the very same time for guidance and answers on how to treat our son. The place that I would be going to work for was a new ADHD medical center primarily for children/adolescents. It was a perfect fit for my son, but would very soon turn out to be a NOT so good fit for me.
I don’t claim to know everything and I struggle with most things, because I am severely hard headed. I hope my husband does NOT read this because this is one of those things you would never admit to anyone, but God. (ha) However, I am 100% positive and without a shadow of doubt sure about the following:
1. God is in control
2. His timing is everything
3. Everything has a plan & a purpose
At the present moment thought WE MAY BE BLIND TO THE PLAN & PURPOSE.
So the door opened on April 21st. I left the sinful job that I could no longer stand and set out on a completely different career path as an office manager for a new medical practice. I know that God had brought this opportunity to me so I poured my heart & soul into the job along with getting my son & daughter the treatment they needed. Well about a month after I started and my children had been helped they started overloading me with tasks, multiple positions and more work than I could handle. They wanted me to quit, I now know that. However, I did not quit because I am not a quitter at anything. They said I was not performing up to speed; I was doing this wrong and not enough of that. They basically found a complaint in everything I did after they initially wanted me to be that way and praised me in the beginning for it. It made no sense at all, and I now realize that GODS DIRECTION FOR US DOES NOT HAVE TO MAKE SENSE TO US, ONLY TO HIM.
I started getting very overwhelmed and my anxiety kicked in. I had not had issues this bad with my anxiety since I was at my old job. So I immediately knew something was not right. That was God sending me a warning signal, I blew it off. I was emotional and felt like I was being setup to fail. On 9/21, just 5 months after starting the position I walked into work on a Friday morning and was immediately met at the door by my administrator and let go. I was not given a rhyme or reason as to why, I was just told to pack my things, and have them go through all my personal belongings as if I were just read my Miranda rights and put into a cop car. I was humiliated, upset, enraged, confused, you name it, I was THAT. I had done all these amazing things, and helped the practice to grow. The patients and their parents loved me beyond belief and BOOM, the rug was jerked out from under me and I did NOT see it coming, or maybe I just did not pay attention to the warning signs that a blind curb was ahead. I just kept driving full speed and was extremely confused when I crashed off the side or maybe I should say thrown off the side of the mountain. Either way I was unprepared for this moment, shocked and extremely upset. I cried so hard that day I think I could have helped Noah get the boat going just off my tears. They were tears painted in every single color of life. What would I do, how would I bring money to the table, why me, what did I do and on and on. I was too blind to open my eyes to the truth that had literally smacked me right across the face.
God closed the door as quickly as he had initially opened it. All the time I did not see this as the ending to an answered prayer. All I could see was the pain, rejection of not having a job and not being able to meet my husband in the middle with a stable income. I was embarrassed. I felt lost and confused. I WAS BLIND. God did answer a prayer in those 5 months. My children were no longer trying to find corners in a round room they were diagnosed and treated equally. They now had treatment plans that although very different from each other were perfect for their individual bodies. My son would no longer struggle every single day in school. I wrote a letter of testimony 2 weeks before I was fired of the amazing help my son had received and how over the moon ecstatic his dad and I were. I see now that writing that letter was my acknowledgement from God that the prayer was answered and the door would be closing on that chapter in our lives helping us to move forward to other prayers.
So I had to realize after a few weeks of moping around and processing everything that:
1. God really does hear us when we pray
2. He really does answer prayers if they are in HIS plan
3. It is all in HIS timing
So I started trying to figure out what it was that I was supposed to do to make ends meet. I prayed about what I should do and the whole time I felt a strong voice telling me over and over, “Do nothing, be still, wait patiently, the perfect job will come, be strong, but be still.” I could almost hear the voice every time I surfed to craigslist, or Google, or any search engine looking for a job. I even went to a staffing agency that said they had a perfect fit for me. They said it was almost God send like. I was very eager to see because the tone of this man’s voice on the phone was like they had found a position and it was like God has spoken to them that this was perfect for me. He said I sounded like a very strong Christian woman and the way this opportunity fell on his desk was in his own words “freaky.” So I was very eager to hear about this and ideas flowed through my head of what it might be like managing a new self-esteem group for girls, or heading the start up of a new missions program, things like that. I tried to meet up with this guy several times and it never seemed to work out. I finally did get to go and meet with him and it was not at all as what I expected. They had a job that they felt passionate about but it was not a thrilling Christian job that would have been spoken down from God. It was a job that would make me settle for a salary that was more than ½ of what I used to make. It was doing medical work and would not advance me anywhere and they only reason they felt that I was a perfect match is because the doctor wanted a spiritually grounded person. I was a dollar for them. In fact I did get a little ill with the lady that was joining the meeting because she was not the nicest person in the world. Because I could not in a matter of words tell her exactly what I wanted to do she was getting frustrated with me. I told her from the start I did not know, which was not a lie. She looked at me after asking what I needed to make and said, “I just don’t think you are ever going to find that in this market.” I found it twice already, but those were not positions God wanted me at. I started to respond with “well I know my God and I know who I am, and God will lead me in the right direction because I have those qualities,” but I was nice and smiled. She then asked me “If you could start a job tomorrow what would you do.” I responded with “write,” and she laughed at me. Promoters of God’s word do NOT laugh at the face of another Christian being honest. So I left that meeting as fast as I had pulled in saying to myself, “I am worth every penny, God created me to be amazing and I have amazing gifts, talents and qualities about me that he hand groomed himself,” and on and on and on. I was on a rampage.
So the bottom line is I was going to wait on what God had for me and it turns out after cutting back a little, taking the kids out of daycare, and drawing my unemployment, I was only $200 dollars shy of my previous bring home pay. Answered prayer!
I have spent the last 4 weeks at home with my beautiful 21 month old little Rex. He was not talking at all when I lost my job and now he is saying words, understanding my reactions and bonding with me more than ever. I have never had this opportunity with any of my three kids and I would not trade the last 4 weeks for anything in the entire world. Spending the day with my little man, making quality time for all my children, my husband and the things that matter are what life is all about.
So I realized that I was running a race I thought was my own, but it turns out that I was not running my life in a positive direction. In fact, I was running myself ragged trying too hard to please everyone and not giving God enough praise for what I did have. I have an amazing family, they needed me, ALL OF ME, and I was neglecting their needs for what I thought was a positive affirmation of what God wanted me to do, but turned out to be driven by selfish gain. GOD REELED ME BACK IN.
So the question, WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING?
I don’t know and I don’t think it is my place to decide that. Honestly, see life can be very confusing and very uncomfortable if we allow it to be. It can seem huge & unreachable if we allow those feeling to setup camp in our hearts. However there is amazing news that says it doesn’t have to be this way, are you ready??????
It does NOT have to be confusing or uncomfortable because the same God that molded you planted you in your mother’s womb and set in motion the future for your life is in control. Your life was planned before you took your first breath. So sit back, take your foot off the gas, because guess what GODS PLAN COMES WITH LUXURY CRUISE CONTROL and it even comes with spike strips of faith you can just toss out when the devil comes your way. Dig your heels into Gods word and let Him direct your steps. When we try to run the race ourselves it does become overwhelming and very confusing because it’s not our race to map out. It is however Gods, but our choice to follow His directions.
Bob Marley said it best, “everything gonna be okay, everything gonna be alright.”
Trust Him.
So my answer is……IT’S UP TO GOD & I WILL SIT PATIENTLY UNTIL HE LEADS ME TO MY NEXT DESTINATION.
PS: I also have to tell you I have been trying to write for 4 weeks now and every single time I would pick up a pen I drew blanks. So this is another answered prayer.
GOOD NIGHT
Scriptures:
Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trusted him with all my heart. He helped me, so I am happy. I sing songs of praise to him.
Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
Jeremiah 1:5
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
KDB
Website: www.thedentedbucket.blogspot.com
Email: kylie.davis@charter.net
No comments:
Post a Comment